Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans
by beastlycharizard13
Summary: In this landmark episode of RFSP, the situation is shaken...severely. Dylan reveals his biggest secret to the boys and by the time he's done, Cartman learns that Liane was never his real mother. On top of that, Stan tries to tell Wendy how he really feels about her, and Davenport calls in some old South Park villains to help him...the final stand is drawing near. RFSP episode 3
1. Chapter 1

RFSP episode #103

Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans

Synopsis: In this landmark episode, the world of South Park is effectively shaken to its very core. Realizing it was only a matter of time before he had to do so; Dylan reveals his biggest secret to the boys and by the time he's done, Cartman learns that Liane was never his real mother. In the middle of it all, Stan confesses his true feelings for Wendy. And to top it all off, Davenport has called in some old South Park villains to buy himself time while he continues his search for Chemical Z. Secrets revealed, scandals uncovered, feelings confessed, and the unexpected return of an old ally…the final stand is quickly drawing near.

Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans

Chapter 1-Dylan's past

 **A/N: Welcome to episode 3 everyone! Just a quick note…if you have not seen the episodes that deal with the identity of Cartman's father (the episodes are "Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut", "Cartman's Mom Is Still A Dirty Slut", "200", and "201") then I HIGHLY recommend you watch those first, for two reasons. One, so you're not lost on the plot of this story. And two, because THIS STORY CONTAINS HUGE SPOILERS FROM THE SHOW!**

 **Anyways, these episodes of RFSP were originally going to be a 3-part episode, but once I went through the ideas/storyline of Part 3 itself more and more, I decided to make it a 4-part episode. Because of that, I apologize if this episode of RFSP lacks that much action or the like.**

 **And the usual disclaimers: I own nothing related to South Park that appears in this story. I only own my OC's.**

 **And so, I now present chapter 1 of RFSP episode 3!**

* * *

It was quite a hectic day at the filming studios of the Canada Channel. The fact that they were the only channel in Canada only put more stress on them.

Terrance and Phillip, along with the production crew for the television series of the same name, were hectically and frantically scurrying around the studio. The 500th episode of the Terrance and Phillip Show was due to air in three days, and they were already behind schedule. It was even worse when you considered how this episode was going to be extra special, what with it being the 500th and all.

At times like these, Terrance and Phillip themselves always had to remind themselves of how fortunate their lives have been. The duo certainly had been through a lot together. They had a hit TV show that was still going strong over 15 years later just for starters. They each had a lovely wife, Katherine and Katy Queef. And even when the two split and went their own ways in 2001, it was fate, and four young boys from Colorado, that brought them back together. Not to mention it was those same four boys that saved them from dying at the hands of an outright then-insane Jewish mother from South Park, as she was quite hell-bent on ensuring their deaths…even though…that technically wasn't them.

But the two fart-loving Canadians also harbored a secret: A secret that dates back to when they were much younger than they are now. A secret that dates back to before they even had thoughts of having their own TV show. And it couldn't possibly have been a coincidence that one of those four Colorado boys was the adopted son of one of their long-lost friends….

"Terrance! Phillip!"

Terrance and Phillip both snapped back to reality as the director asked them if something was troubling them.

"No…we're fine."

"Alright then buddy! Places you two! And 5…4…3…2…ACTION!"

The cameras started rolling and Terrance and Phillip began their newest sketch: The mystery of the dire wolf. This episode involved them walking through a backdrop of a Canadian forest, looking for footprints of a dire wolf. Terrance was dressed like Sherlock Holmes and Phillip like Dr. Watson.

"My what have we here!?" Phillip began. "Footprints left by a dire wolf!"

"I don't see anything Phillip!"

"Bend over to get a closer look!"

Terrance bent over. "What is it aboot the ground I'm not seeing?"

"This!"

Phillip jumped up and farted on Terrance's face. The two performed their trademark laugh until the director suddenly yelled "CUT!"

"Cut? What the hell are you stopping us for!?"

"Somebody's on the phone for you buddy!" the director replied.

"Who?"

"I don't know, she didn't say. She just said it was an emergency and that you three should talk in private!" the director added as the room cleared out, leaving Terrance and Phillip alone. Terrance walked over and picked up the phone that was lying next to the director's chair.

"H-hello?"

"Terrance is that you? Is Phillip with you? Put me on speakerphone!" the voice asked.

Terrance pressed the speakerphone button.

"Who are you?" Phillip asked the voice.

"It's me Jessica!" the voice answered.

"We…don't know anybody by that name." Terrance replied, unsure if this person was who he thought it was.

"Yes you guys do! It's me, Jessica! From Unit 14!"

"Oh my God…it is you!"

"Yes!"

Terrance and Phillip were completely taken aback. Neither of them had spoken to Jessica in years.

"What's going on?"

"Both of you get down to Nexton, North Carolina immediately! Our unit is having an unexpected reunion! I'll explain on the way!"

* * *

Back in Nexton, Dylan began revealing his biggest secret of his entire life. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Bebe, and Ike all listened very intently.

Dylan sighed as he began. "Oh man, where do I even begin with this story? Well for starters…Cartman, I do know your mom. She's sort of a long-lost friend of mine, one I've only seen about four times in the past 25 years. We were part of a unit in this extremely top secret government espionage and offense agency, whose existence was not known by the general public. In fact, 80% of the government itself didn't even know about us. Hell, not even the president did! In order to keep it more discrete, we didn't even give ourselves a name. We just called it 'The Agency'. A bunch of new recruits had joined around the time I did. It was 1986 when I joined and my unit was formed. Each unit was made up of five people, and once I was recruited, I was assigned to the newly formed Unit 14 along with four others."

"My mom was a government spy!?" asked a very surprised Eric Cartman.

"She was. I was 13 when I joined The Agency, and your mother was about 25. We were placed in the same unit, along with a girl my age named Jessica Alliot, and two Canadians. They were Terrance Stoot and Phillip Argyle."

"Terrance and Phillip!?"

"Terrance and Phillip were in your unit!?"

"They sure were!"

"Fucking sweet dude!"

"But I thought you said The Agency was only in America?"

"Terrance and Phillip were two of a few exceptions. I'll get to that later. Anyway, The Agency contained just about the most kick-ass spies America could ever find, and my unit was one of the best The Agency ever had. The five of us got along exceptionally well and our bonds were pretty strong."

"But what exactly did you do in The Agency?" Stan asked.

And so to better give the kids an idea of what he did in The Agency, Dylan began describing one of his missions in vivid detail.

* * *

One day in Saudi Arabia, a helicopter, containing five American spies, made its way over a sparsely populated desert. It was April 23rd, 1987.

Inside the helicopter, the five spies were getting their final briefs about the mission. They were to retrieve the contents of a huge vault hidden deep within a palace they were fast approaching.

"Alright! Who's ready to kick some ass!?" 13 year-old Dylan Scralp eagerly asked his friends and teammates.

"Just don't initiate a repeat of what happened in Iran last month." Reminded 13 year-old Jessica Alliot.

Dylan just rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."

"I had to get anal surgery afterwards because my anus was torn apart!" 28 year-old Terrance Stoot aggressively retorted.

"Yeah, why did you even think that would be a good idea!?" agreed 27 Phillip Argyle.

"Uh, because we were surrounded? Besides, you can still fart just fine can't you?"

As the helicopter approached the drop zone, Dylan noticed one of his teammates had been a bit quiet the whole ride over.

"Hey Liane! Something wrong?"

25 year-old Liane Cartman turned around to face the others.

"No, no I'm fine." She answered as she pushed a lock of her long brown hair out of her eyes.

* * *

"My unit's time with The Agency was right around the end of the Cold War, so you can only imagine the fun we had!"

"Fun?" Butters asked.

"Of course! We kicked ass and we loved doing it! We were the best unit at the time and about the 4th best The Agency had ever seen! Those were certainly what one would call 'The glory days'. There was always danger at every turn, and believe me, it was quite exhilarating!"

* * *

After dropping out of the helicopter and parachuting to the ground, Unit 14 was immediately ambushed by Saudi Arabian soldiers. The enemies started shooting at Unit 14, who were able to quickly dodge everything fired at them. Phillip took out a special "fart grenade" and threw it at the soldiers, effectively knocking half of them out. After a while of dodging projectiles and fighting their way through hordes of enemies, Unit 14 eventually reached a heavily guarded palace.

Each member of Unit 14 had their own natural skill that they used to their advantage during missions. Terrance and Phillip had their farts, Dylan had his pure rage whenever he got pissed off, Jessica had her agility, and Liane had her promiscuity, which wound up coming in handy way more times than anyone initially thought.

After taking out the guards and forcing their way inside, Dylan pulled out a GPS-like device.

"Uh…got it! Liane! Get to the commander's room and have your way with him! Find out how to open the vault! Terrance and Phillip, you go that way down to the vault. Jessica and I will take care of all the foot soldiers."

The three groups ran down three separate corridors as fast as they could.

* * *

"My mom slept with Saudi Arabians!?" Cartman asked.

"She sure did. Her sluttiness came in handy quite often as a matter of fact."

"Ey!"

"Jesus Christ Cartman!" Kyle added. "Your mom really is a dirty slut!"

* * *

Terrance and Phillip arrived at the vault, but noticed there was an invisible force field of sorts blocking the entrance.

"Terrance to Jessica! Terrance to Jessica!" Terrance yelled into his earpiece. "We got a problem!"

"What's the problem?" Jessica responded as she and Dylan made their way through a hallway, attacking anybody they saw.

"It appears the security system for the vault isn't set up like we thought. There's an invisible force field around it!"

"Shit! I should've known that would be the case!" Dylan responded. "Don't worry, we'll find a way to shut it off." Dylan said as he pressed a button on his earpiece. "Liane! Change of plans, kind of. Don't grill the commander for a code; grill him on how to shut down the vault's force field!"

"Got it!" Liane replied as she approached the door to the commander's room. She opened it, peered inside, and heard a shower turning off. She realized she had to act fast.

She hurriedly changed into a set of very arousing lingerie she had brought with her and quickly crawled into the bed in the corner of the room. The commander walked out of the bathroom in his underwear a few seconds later, and immediately noticed he had a visitor.

"What the hell-who are you!? How did you get in here!?"

"Oh come on now…." Liane answered him in an arousing tone of voice. "You aren't willing to give a stranger a try?"

She got out of bed, walked over to him, and started rubbing her hand on his chest.

"I…uh…." The commander was left at a loss for words.

One minute later, Dylan and Jessica were standing in a hallway, waiting patiently, when their earpieces started picking up sounds of Liane living the Burger King slogan with the commander.

"Hey Jessica! I bet you three dollars it takes her more than an hour!"

"You're on!"

Eventually, after having a long session with each other, Liane and the commander were just lying in bed.

"Ooooohhh…that was fun!" the commander exclaimed.

"Can I ask you something sweetie?" Liane asked him while he was still distracted

"Yes?"

"How would one go about getting into your vault?"

"Well, tee hee, they'd have to get into the security room, and press the button labeled "Vault Field" to turn off the force field surrounding it. How come?"

Liane suddenly connected her bare fist with his face quicker than the Road Runner outrunning Wile E. Coyote, and harder than a tough slab of concrete breaking the fist of some dumb kid who was dared to punch it.

"Dylan! Jessica!" she shouted into her earpiece once the commander was knocked out. "Get to the security room and press a button labeled 'Vault Field'!

Liane quickly put her clothes back on and ran out of the room to rendezvous with the others.

Jessica handed Dylan three dollars and the two sped off towards the security room, a room filled with video monitors and control panels. After breaking into it and taking out everyone inside, Dylan pressed the Vault Field button.

"The field is down!" Dylan alerted Terrance and Phillip. "The field is down! Go, go, go, go! We rendezvous outside!"

Terrance and Phillip threw a grenade at the vault door and ran inside as soon as the smoke from the explosion cleared. They ran back out a few seconds later with a box of secret documents.

All five made it out of the palace safely and found the helicopter waiting on them. They hurriedly jumped aboard and fired a few shots at a couple of guards that had started to shoot the helicopter. Unit 14 took them down with ease and the helicopter flew off. The mission was complete.

* * *

"Whoa! Cool!" Kyle exclaimed.

"Damn right it was! We went to all sorts of places during our time at The Agency! It may have gotten a little monotonous at times, but we always looked past that. Those three years were the best of my life!"

"But how did you keep up with school without anybody knowing?" Bebe asked.

"Time zones."

"Huh?"

"The power of the time zones is what kept this a secret. On the night of a mission I'd wait for a transport to come get me, and it'd usually be around 11 P.M. once the rest of my family was asleep. My transport would arrive and take me to The Agency's HQ. We'd get our assignment and jet over to where we needed to be. Due to the tie zones, it would be 11 P.M. or so here, but maybe around 1 P.M. wherever we went. Whenever we'd get back it would only be around 3 A.M. or so. Granted I lost a lot of sleep during those nights, but I was still able to avoid any suspicion.

"Did you not ever have missions during the daytime?"

"Oh we did. Anytime any field agent had a long-term or daytime mission, The Agency would have our personal double take our place until we got back. Our personal doubles were exactly what they sound like: People that were extensively trained in the life of the person they were assigned to that would take our place back home until we got back."

"Just get to the part about my mom already!" Cartman demanded.

"Hang on I'm getting to that. In the summer of 1989, The Agency shut down. You see, since most of the government didn't know about us, we couldn't take a huge amount of the government's money without people noticing. Granted we were still paid and The Agency was still funded, but eventually The Agency sort of ended up broke. Before saying our good-byes to each other, my unit went on a little road trip for a couple of weeks. We had our personal doubles from The Agency take our places back home, and nobody suspected a thing. Anyway during the last week of our road trip, we stopped in this little mountain town in Colorado that we had heard of, but not really known anything about."

"South Park?"

"Correct. Out of curiosity we decided to look around. Late that night, we discovered there was a little party going on, so we all stopped to take a look. That party…was the 12th annual drunken barn dance."

"The barn dance!?"

"But I thought that was how Cartman's mom got pregnant with him!"

"Close. When your town was told to make a cover-up for the Denver Broncos, what nobody but my unit knew is that the cover-up was a cover-up FOR a cover-up."

"What!?"

"No way!"

"Yes way Stan. Liane wanted to go to the dance, so she did. Terrance and Phillip also went in, but were being paranoid that their presence might blow our cover, so they disguised themselves as Americans. Jessica and I, being underage, just walked around a little and saw the town."

"Did you see any of our parents?"

"Hmm…I think we may have brushed by Stan's dad…I'm not sure. But anyway, as you already know, Cartman's mom was getting drunk as hell and in the process, having her way with just about everybody in there…including the Denver Broncos. After we went back to get her and Terrance and Phillip, they had one hell of a hangover. A few days later, Liane started to feel a little funny. She had these weird hunger cravings the likes of which the rest of us had never seen. We took her to a doctor and sure enough, she was pregnant."

"With me right?" Cartman inquired.

"Wrong. She didn't feel like she was ready to be a mother yet, so she went and got an abortion. Now we're getting into the part of the story that nobody but my unit knows…are you kids ready?"

One by one, and a little nervously, all the kids stated they were ready. Dylan continued.

"At one point during our trip, we ran into one of our old friends from The Agency. Her name was Diane and she was in Unit 23. She was quite surprised to see us and she told us that she was in quite a dilemma. Diane explained that the Broncos had recently visited her town and that she had intercourse with one of them. You see, when we were at The Agency, we were always strongly cautioned about interacting with total strangers, as you never knew if it was one of our enemies in disguise. Of course, we still needed to abide by that even after The Agency shut down. Remember Davenport?"

"Guy who wants Chemical Z?" Ike asked.

"Yes, him. Davenport was actually a member of The Agency during my unit's time there. But within our first year, Davenport had been exposed as a double agent, and he quickly fled America and started helping all our enemies. Sometimes one of the countries my unit would be sent to, he'd be hiding there. As many enemies as my unit faced, Davenport was the one we fought the most, and I'd typically be the one fighting him. Hence, my unit became his arch nemesis. Well even after The Agency shut down, we still hadn't captured him. He swore that he'd come back and find us all, even the other units. Davenport somehow had ties with the NFL during our road trip and Diane was worried that if word got out about how one of the Bronco's had fathered a child with her, Davenport would find us. Diane had found out that she was Davenport's primary target at that point, despite the fact that MY unit was his archenemy. Out of concern for the baby's safety, Diane asked Liane to be the adoptive mother of her baby, and she agreed."

"How did you do that? Did you just wait until it was born?"

"No, we had to act then and there. Diane was only two weeks pregnant, so using the technology from a secret government project nobody but The Agency knew about, code named 'Project Newborn', we were able to successfully transfer the necessary reproductive DNA into Liane's body, effectively making her pregnant…with Cartman."

Cartman just stood there for a whole entire minute, almost speechless.

"I was transported…to another woman's uterus…before I was even born!? FUCKING WEAK DUDE!" Cartman exclaimed.

"After Liane got pregnant, we made up a story about Diane having a miscarriage and informed the Bronco that impregnated her about the cover-up. He agreed to keep it a secret. Soon after, our road trip ended. We said our good-byes and promised to keep in touch, even though we couldn't do it that often since we had to keep our covers. Liane then moved to South Park after Cartman was born, thinking it would be the perfect place to raise her son and keep her cover. Once the two of you arrived in South Park, Liane got the whole town to make the second cover-up: That she had slept with the Denver Bronco."

"Jack Tenorman, right? That's who impregnated Diane?"

"That's right. Soon after, my family moved here, to Nexton, and I settled in quickly. Fearing for the lives of my family, new friends, and everyone else that lived here, I gathered all of my classmates that were in my grade and told them my story. I suggested we form a little underground operation of our own, a little miniature version of The Agency, to look out for ourselves and to fight evil. They all agreed, and I gave them all the training I had learned from my time at The Agency. In no time at all, everyone was practically as skilled as I was. Naturally of course, I was made leader of our group. And that's that."

"Just one more thing." Bebe asked. "How did Kenny get involved?"

"One night I had called Liane to see how she was. During our conversation, we both agreed that we needed somebody who could both keep an eye on South Park, since my fellow teammate was living there, and help out my operation at the same time. We decided on Kenny. So I brought Kenny to my underground base, told him my story, gave him the training I had learned from The Agency, and had him swear an oath to keep this all a secret. Believe me, it wasn't easy deciding who would be the kid to do the job."

"What do you mean? Who else was there?" Stan asked.

"Oh boy…Stan I'm REALLY sorry you have to know this but…you were a CLOSE second for the job."

Stan immediately became filled with rage. "WHAT!? How did I lose to Kenny!?"

"We figured that Kenny's immortality could really help."

"Immortality?"

"Don't any of you remember one of the hundreds of times he's died!?"

"Uh…no?" Stan answered.

"Oh. Never mind then."

"Hey wait a minute!" Kyle asked. "If Cartman's mom was friends with Terrace and Phillip, then why did she join Mothers Against Canada?"

"Hey yeah!" Butters also realized. "Why would she want to help kill her old teammates?"

"Because those weren't her old teammates." Dylan answered. "Once Terrance and Phillip were arrested, Liane joined M.A.C. in order to bus them out. She then arranged for two people who wanted to die to come in and take their place, and Terrance and Phillip went into hiding. However, you kids were smarter and braver than we thought, and for that I applaud you. Especially you Cartman. After you saved the imposters, the real Terrance and Phillip came back from hiding. To this day, nobody but people from The Agency knew about that. Anyway, that's the truth, all of it." Dylan sighed heavily. "Cartman…I'm so sorry you had to go through any of this."

"So this Diane…was my real mom?" Cartman asked.

"Yes."

"But then who…who is she? Do we know her!? Is she still out there!?"

"I can't tell you. Please understand guys, this is a matter of national security. And Diane…I'm sorry Cartman, but your real mother died shortly before you were born. We're not sure how, but we think Davenport had found her."

Upon hearing that his real mother was dead, Cartman almost began to cry. But a few seconds later, he went from sad to pissed off.

"WHERE'S KENNY!?"

* * *

Kenny was just about to enter the EOH underground base, when Cartman came running from behind him and punched him. Kenny immediately fell to the ground and got back up once he saw it was Cartman.

("Dude what the fuck!?")

"You son of an asshole Kenny!"

("What!?")

"The jig is up! Dylan told me all about how he was a government agent and how my mom isn't my mom!"

("He did-oh shit.")

"Tell me who my real mom is you dick face!"

("I can't do that!")

"Why the fuck not!?"

("For national security purposes! I don't even know who she is anyway! Go ask your mom or something!")

"Fine I will!" Cartman walked away, but not before making a vow. "But this isn't over Kenny! I will get you back!"

* * *

Later that night, Cartman sat patiently in his hotel room at the Nex waiting for his "mom" to show up. Liane finally entered the room, and was surprised to see him sitting on the bed staring very sternly at her.

"Hello mother." Cartman greeted her in a dark and serious tone.

"Uh…hello sweetie. What are-."

"Sit down mother."

"Eric, what is-?"

"Sit down!"

Liane sat down on an armchair opposite the bed.

"Mom, if you harbored a deep, dark secret that could change everything as we know it, would you care enough to tell your own son about it?"

"Huh?"

"Don't try and bullshit me mom! I know all about it! You were part of Unit 14, you know that asshole that Kyle is staying with, and you're not actually my mom!"

Liane gasped, knowing exactly what had happened. "Oh no…oh my God…Eric I-."

"No buts mom! Who's my real mom, huh!? Why didn't you tell me any of this!?"

Liane started to cry. "Eric…it was all to protect you, I swear! Please understand!"

"I don't care mom! Tell me the truth, NOW!"

Liane cried even harder. "Eric please! We have to go!" she pleaded through her tears. "Now that you know, we're not safe here!"

"NO! Tell me the truth!"

"Eric I can't!"

"Tell me anyway!"

"It doesn't matter right now!" came a voice from behind. Cartman turned around to see Dylan and Jessica standing in the doorway.

"Cartman, this is Jessica." Dylan introduced her.

"You two are assholes!"

"Nice to meet you to kid." Jessica replied sarcastically.

"Oh why did this have to happen?" Liane asked through her tears.

"Nice to see you again to. Terrance and Phillip are on their way. They should be here shortly. And you know we can't leave Liane. None of us can. Not now."

"But they know now and soon Davenport-."

"Yes, I know. But we can't just bail on everyone. The whole town's in danger, both mine and yours."

"Well screw you guys, I'm going home!" Cartman added, still very pissed off.

"You do realize that you're two time zones away from home right?" Dylan asked.

"Well I'm going somewhere! I'd rather kiss Kyle and Butters' ass then be with you assholes!"

"Cartman don't! We kind of need you right now!"

Cartman stormed out of the room and down the hallway, causing Dylan to go after him.

"Leave me alone!"

"Cartman listen! Everyone you care about is probably going to die! Don't you care!?"

"Everyone I know is a liar!"

"No they're not! Remember? The cover-up was also fake, and none of them knew it!"

"Why should I stay here and try to help protect my fake mom!?"

"Isn't there at least ONE other person from South Park you care about!?"

Cartman paused and thought long and hard about that. Eventually, he did think of someone.

"Well…there is…one person."

* * *

 **A/N: Wow…this chapter really got…deep. With that being said, I apologize if any of the subject matter of this chapter offended anyone. Please don't flame this if it did.**

 **Anyways, the plot has officially thickened! Just who is this "Diane" person? You shall find out soon! Until then, please leave your feedback! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

RFSP episode #103

Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans

Chapter 2-The Plan

* * *

While Cartman was discussing the issue with Dylan up on the 2nd floor of the west wing of the Nex, Wendy, Red, and Heidi were sitting on rocking chairs out on the West Porch. The door behind them opened and Stan came out.

"What do you want?" Wendy asked Stan aggressively when she noticed him.

"To talk. Alone."

"Fine."

Red and Heidi got the message and went back inside.

"So…you got my message from Butters?" Stan asked.

"Yes, and you're not adhering to my response."

"Look Wendy, I think…I think I really do want to get back together."

"Is that how you really feel about me Stan?"

Stan and Wendy got out of the chairs and sat down on the porch steps.

"Wendy…I think…this is how I really feel about you. About us."

Wendy calmed down a little and devoted her attention to whatever he was about to say.

"OK, what?"

"Well…I was thinking back about our history and…."

"And what?"

"Remember when we first got together? All those years ago? I was mad for you but I literally never had the guts to talk to you. Then one day, you wanted to reciprocate my feelings for you and in the end, later that night, we stayed up looking at the contents of my puke after we saved Kyle's little brother from the visitors. That was our first night being together."

"Yeah."

"And then you left me for Token years later and I was so depressed, I turned Goth…but thanks to what Butters told me about being happy that you can feel so sad, I got over it. And then I quickly moved on."

"What about the egg project two years later? Did you want me back then?"

"You know…to this day I'm still debating that."

"And then…"

"We…got back together another two years later…and stopped Kyle from burning down the school."

"Not to mention it took me weeks to get the last of your puke stains out from that night."

Stan just sighed. "Yeah. And then we broke up…again"

* * *

One month earlier, Stan and Wendy had started what could've very well been the biggest argument anybody from South Park Elementary ever saw. Stan and Wendy were in the middle of the hallway, bickering loudly at each other, while everyone else just watched.

"Oh so this is my fault huh!?" Wendy yelled. "It seems that every time something like this happens, it's my God-damn fault!"

"It is!" Stan retorted.

"If you weren't so selfish all the time, you'd know when it was yours!"

"Oh so am I just not good enough for you!?"

"Am I not good enough for you!?"

"Well YOU were attracted to Cartman!"

"For the last fucking time, there was nothing between us!" Wendy angrily retorted.

"Uh, actually-." Cartman began to say before he got cut off.

"SHUT UP FAT ASS!" Stan and Wendy yelled at Cartman in unison.

"Oh really!? Just like there was nothing between you and Kyle, huh?"

"Dude!" replied an annoyed Kyle. "I told you-."

"Can it Kyle!" Stan demanded.

"Kyle's a better person then you ever could or will be!" Wendy retorted.

"Oh is that so? Then why don't you go kiss his ass!?"

"What!?" Kyle exclaimed

Wendy growled at Stan. "You're just a self-centered shit head with no respect for others!"

"Oh Yeah!? Well I wish we NEVER got back together. Hell, I wish I NEVER EVEN LIKED YOU!"

An immediate gasp was emitted from the mouths of everyone watching. They couldn't believe what Stan had just said.

"You know what, I don't need girls and I never have! Right Butters!?"

"Uh…sure?" Butters didn't exactly know how to answer him.

"Is that what you want!?" Wendy exclaimed.

"Yeah, it is!"

"Fine then! It's OVER!"

"I'm glad!"

Wendy stormed off and everyone quickly stepped aside to make room for her. Stan stormed off in the opposite direction.

"Out of my way!" Stan demanded as everyone stepped aside.

"Dude what-."

"Not now Kyle! Not…now."

Cartman began to laugh extra hard, which made Stan kick him extra hard in the balls. Cartman toppled over in excruciating pain and everyone else went over to him, minus Kyle who continued to follow Stan.

"Stan I-."

"I said not now Kyle!" Stan yelled as he walked away mumbling to himself.

* * *

Stan and Wendy thought about what happened after their nasty breakup.

"And then my best friend…."

"…Went out with me."

"And how did that happen?"

"I don't know…she just…I guess she became interested in me now that I was signal and she saw how I was taking it after that day too. Somehow she felt the need to comfort me, and I think I did need it…somehow. Through the process, we just kind of…you know…loved each other."

"Are you sure?"

Stan sighed. "No, I'm not Wendy. I don't know if I really liked her or if I was just trying to make you jealous."

"What about me then? How do you feel about me?"

Stan sighed deeper this time. "Wendy…I think maybe the part of me that caused our falling out…just wanted to stop anyway. We've been together for a long time and maybe…I think I might have just wanted to just be friends for a while, to prevent tensions between us. But my anger beat me to it."

"In a way…I had the same thought."

"You…did?"

"Yeah…."

"Yeah…. Look Wendy, if-."

Kyle suddenly burst through the door and cut Stan off.

"Dude, come on!"

"Really bad timing Kyle!"

Kyle turned around and noticed Wendy was there. "Oh hey Wendy. Stan, I'm really sorry, but Dylan wants us up in Cartman's hotel room right now!"

"What the hell for?"

"I don't know, but come on!"

"Um Wendy…do you mind if I-."

"No go ahead. We can finish the later. But what's the panic about Kyle?"

"Nothing! Come on Stan!"

Kyle and Stan ran back inside the hotel and Red and Heidi came back out.

"So…what happened?" Heidi asked.

"We're…starting to be friends…I think. Can you go get Bebe please? I think I should tell her some of this."

"I tried texting her but it seems like she's still with Stan and his friends." Red added.

"Still? Why?"

* * *

Stan and Kyle made their way to Cartman's hotel room and shut the door behind them once they got there. All the blinds were closed as well. Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Ike, Bebe, Dylan, Jessica, Terrance, and Phillip were all present in the room.

"OK dude what-Oh my God! It's Terrance and Phillip!"

"I know doesn't this kick ass you guys!?" Cartman asked.

"Long time no see boys!" Terrance greeted them.

"So is it true that Kyle's mom was only trying to kill imposters?"

"It sure is buddy!" Phillip answered. "Thank God Liane had connections to get us out!" Phillip farted and Terrance and the others started laughing.

"Hey can you guys fart on us for autographs!?" Kyle asked.

"Save it for later guys." Dylan asked.

"Aww."

Dylan introduced the kids to Jessica. "Kids, this is Jessica Alliot, one of my friends from The Agency."

"Hey what's up?" Jessica greeted the kids.

"So you all worked undercover for the government?"

"We sure did."

"Is it true that Terrance had to get his anus repaired!?" Stan asked.

"Damn right it is buddy!" Terrance answered.

"Oh God, do we have to bring up Iran AGAIN?" Dylan asked.

"That was all your fault!"

"What happened?" asked Kyle.

Terrance began to recall what happened, with Dylan deliberately and mockingly mouthing what Terrance says.

"Well it was aboot time for us to go. We had accomplished our task and were running back to the helicopter. Just then we became surrounded. That's when Dylan had this 'great' idea of having me shove a gas grenade up my ass to amplify its power once I farted! That bomb not only knocked out all the bad guys, but it tore my anus apart!"

"Sweet dude!"

"Trust me kid, it wasn't"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Dylan said, trying to change the subject.

"Wait so is that where the inspiration for that one episode of your show where one of you was a donor for an ass transplant for the other came from?"

"It sure did buddy!"

"Interviews later, focus now." Dylan reminded everyone. "My operation has come up with a plan that just might work. But it'll require us going back into the battlefield."

"The battlefield?"

"The tournament grounds."

"Oh."

"Kids, you need to understand this: It's become too dangerous for me. For all of Unit 14. The five of us CAN NOT go back onto that golf course right now. Davenport is more than likely to be there waiting for us."

"What about us?"

"You kids are vulnerable, but for now Davenport isn't planning on killing you."

("What about me?")

"You're safe. You need to be their protector."

("It's because I'm immortal isn't it?")

"Yep. But on the bright side we finally have that potion for you!"

("Finally!")

"Kenny, seriously, stop trying to claim you have super powers or some shit!" Cartman asked.

("It's not a power, IT'S A CURSE!")

"Dude really, lay off." Stan added.

"I also have a way to make sure they'll remember your next death."

Kenny's face lit up like a pinball machine when he heard that. It was the best news he had heard in a long time.

"Do you know who the extra hands Davenport hired are?" Butters asked Dylan

"Some of your old enemies."

"Who? Do you know who they are?"

("No.")

"I know who one of them is." Dylan added.

"Who!?"

Dylan sighed. "Trent Boyett."

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters all immediately froze and their faces became semi-pale.

"T-T-Trent?"

"B-B-Boyett?"

"Oh no! He almost killed me last time!" Butters recalled.

"How is he out of juvie!?"

"The AGA busted him out and sent some other kid to take his place. The juvie hall has no idea that who they think is Trent is just an imposter." Phillip added.

"N-no…NO!"

"What's the big deal?" Bebe asked. "Sure, he was a bully in preschool but-."

"Bebe you don't understand!" Stan answered her. "Trent is going to KILL US!"

(*whew* "That's a load off my back!")

"Dude, not now!" Dylan added.

Stan decided to tell Bebe the truth. "Well Bebe…the five of us have a confession to make. I'm going to guess Dylan and his gang already knows the truth."

"Oh we do."

"Bebe, remember when Trent was arrested in preschool for setting Miss Claridge on fire?"

"Yeah."

"Well…that was actually…our fault."

"What!?"

"You know that fireman game we Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and I always played?"

"Yeah."

Kyle continued. "We asked Trent to set a fire. We all tried peeing on it, but it didn't go out. And then…you know what happened next. Once Miss Claridge was taken to the hospital Trent told the police it was our fault. We told the cops that Trent was a liar and the cops believed us."

"And then Trent asked me to tell the police it was their fault, but I didn't want to get involved or I'd get grounded." Butters added.

"He swore he'd come back and get revenge." Stan continued. "Then in 2004, he was released on parole and came straight here. He almost…killed Butters. We even asked the 6th graders to protect us but they were no match for him."

"Didn't Miss Claridge catch on fire again?"

"Yeah…and the cops asked her if Trent did it. She beeped twice on her wheelchair-machine thing which meant 'no' but the cop thought that meant 'yes, yes'. Again, Trent told the cops it was us. And again we denied knowing anything and told them that Trent was a liar. And again they believed us."

"But now…he's back."

"Oh Jesus!" Butters panicked. "Now he won't rest until we're all dead!"

"I can't believe you guys wouldn't come clean!" Bebe added. "That's awful!"

"What were we supposed to do!?"

("If we have to, I'll fight him.")

"Kenny this is no time for jokes!" Stan said, causing Kenny to face palm.

"If they go out to the tournament grounds, wouldn't Trent be there waiting for them?" Jessica asked Dylan.

"There's a good chance of that. But do you think the enemy would make that noticeable of a ruckus out in public?"

"True."

"Change of plans!" Stan announced. "I'm not leaving this building!"

"Me neither!"

"Sorry, but if you want to save everybody, you're going to have to." Terrance replied.

"This isn't happening…." Cartman panicked.

("It is")

* * *

Meanwhile in Davenport's secret lair, Trent had just arrived and was meeting with Davenport.

"Glad to have you on the team George!" Davenport greeted him.

"My name's Trent."

"Whatever. Now the other people I hired should be-."

"I didn't do this for you, not for anyone. The main and really only reason I'm doing this is for revenge."

"I'm well aware kid. But you're going to have to stick to MY plan in order to get revenge."

"Tell me what to do then." Trent replied as he narrowed his eyebrows and opened his switchblade.

* * *

Just mere minutes later, the kids, the EOH 11th graders, and Unit 14 were discussing a game plan down in the underground base.

"OK everyone!" Dylan began. "Tomorrow is the 2nd practice day of the Woman's Finals. We're thinking Davenport makes his next big move on Friday, which means we have three days to get this right! We have one shot and one shot only!"

Stan gulped anxiously. "How reassuring."

"As far as Unit 14 goes, we're the most vulnerable out in the public eye. So I made these!" Dylan held out five wristbands of some sort. "These will allow us to appear as we really are to our allies, so basically everyone in this room, but we'll look like somebody completely different through the eyes of our enemies." All five members of Unit 14 took a wristband and put them on.

("What about me?")

"If you were that vulnerable, I'd have given you one. But the five of us are at the top of his kill list. Hopefully you kids can stay out of Davenport's sight."

Sara pulled out a map of the tournament grounds with markings written on the labeled entrances. "Even with that being said, we all need to enter from different directions and at different times. Stan, is your family going to the grounds tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Great! You and Butters go through the entrance by the member's club and do whatever you can to make sure the two of you are over at the 2nd hole by 10 A.M. OK?"

"OK."

"Roger!"

"Cartman!" Dylan continued. "You and your mom go with Bebe to one of the shuttle areas and ride over to the main gate! The main gate itself is kind out of the way, so you'll need to find a shuttle that goes there. The three of you need to be at the 11th hole by 10 A.M. alright?"

"Gotcha!"

"Ah dude, do I have to work with my 'mom'!?"

("There are more important things to worry about right now fat ass!")

"Kyle, you need to let your parents know that you and Ike are going to be with me tomorrow."

"OK, I'll tell them."

"The three of us will need to enter through Gate 2 as well, but then we'll need to be by the 1st Aid Tent that's right behind the gate."

"So what do we do when we get to our places?" Stan asked.

"Right. Anna and Carmen! When you show up to your shifts tomorrow morning, you need to take the three receivers with you." Dylan pulled out three small square shaped devices. "The two of you need to arrive early tomorrow so you have time to place these things at the three areas I just described."

"Then at 10:00 you kids activate the synchronizers!" Chris said as he pulled out three triangular shaped devices and gave them to Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. "Stan and Butters, you two need to be at this grove of trees right around here at 10:00." Chris told them as he pointed to a spot on the map by the areas the three groups needed to go to. "Cartman, Bebe, and Liane you three need to be at this grove of trees between Hole 11 and 12 at 10:00. When you get close to it, the synchronizer will begin to vibrate. When you see a button on the screen that says 'Confirm Sync?' then you're in the right spot and will be close enough to the receivers. Once all three groups are there, you'll all need to call each other and press that button all at the same time."

"How are we supposed to do that if we can't bring cell phones onto the golf course?"

"That's exactly why the synchronizers have a GPS on them. So you can know when the others get to their areas." Edith answered.

"Once all the synchronizers are activated, the receivers will activate. They'll triangulate an electronic signal range across the three points." Bailey said as he drew a triangle between the three marked areas on the maps. "Once we have the range set up, we can move on to the next step."

"We'll need to stand in our respective areas for a couple of minutes. The synchronizers will let us know when they're done. Once they're done just DROP them where you are and leave the area immediately."

"So what exactly does this electronic field do?" Stan asked.

"It allows us to hack into Davenport's database without him knowing. We believe his base is right below the middle of the triangulated area. There, we can find out the parts of his plan we don't know, be one step ahead of him, and ultimately stop him. As of now, we have 84 hours before Friday comes along. Only 84 hours to stop him."

"So…by Friday night?" Kyle asked.

("Exactly.")

"What do we do after the electronic field is set up tomorrow?"

"We go about our lives normally until we know what the enemy does next. The AGA has heightened security and surveillance…they know we're onto them. The rest of my operation is safe to go out there more, but you kids and Unit 14, myself including, aren't. We should only go out onto those grounds when we need to. Can I count on you to do that?"

"Yes."

"And when the 12 of us are out there, we'll need a way to communicate."

"So I made these!" Jessica held out 12 earpieces as the kids and Unit 14 each took one. "When we put these in our ears, nobody else will be able to see them. We'll be able to easily sneak this past security and be able to talk to each other while we're out there. But be careful who's with you when you're talking into it. People won't be able to hear the voice coming out of it, but they can still hear you talk into it."

"It's getting late now. We should all go." Dylan noted. Before he left however, he pulled his unit aside.

"Should we tell him?"

"What good would that do? Diane's dead remember? She died right before her son was born!"

"Well…she didn't die. Not then anyway." Liane added

"Huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…um…I just found this out as a matter of fact…."

A minute later, the other four were informed of the information Liane had recently learned.

"Oh my God!" Jessica exclaimed. "Liane is this true!?"

"Yes…it is. I'm afraid Eric's never going to see his real mother anyway."

"Um, hello?" Kyle asked Dylan as he walked up to him.

"What?"

"Can we go now?"

"Oh right, sorry. You weren't eavesdropping or anything were you?"

"No."

"OK then. Good night everybody!"

The group made their way back up to the surface and on the way out, Dylan gave Kenny a bottle with some kind of multi-colored liquid inside.

("What's this?")

"It's the potion."

Kenny's face lit up like a Christmas tree on steroids. ("REALLY!?")

"Yep. You're welcome!"

Kenny immediately unscrewed the cap and chugged the potion. Afterwards he started dancing around overly happy.

("So now when I die, I can revive myself anywhere I want, right?")

"Yep! And we might need you to die a few times depending on how we stop the AGA."

("But my mom won't have to go through labor anymore, right?")

"Nope!"

Kenny continued his happy dance until Dylan told him there were a few side effects.

("Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me!")

"But they're not bad."

("What are they?")

"The next couple of times you die, it'll take a little longer than normal to come back since your body will need to adjust to the effects of the potion. And if somebody's holding onto you when you die, they'll die too."

("But will they get revived too?")

"Oh yeah, they'll re-spawn near you. And they'll remember dying too. You can also die with something attached to you, say some loose change in your pocket, and it'll be in your pocket again as soon as you come back."

Kenny breathed a sigh of relief, knowing the side effects were good.

("Hey wait…does this mean I can finally get my friends to believe that I'm immortal?")

"Well, yes but-."

("Then I'm going to die right now!")

Kenny tried to run off, but Dylan grabbed him.

"Dude, not right now!"

("Why the hell not!?")

"Don't force them into it right this instant! Wait until…I don't know…until there's a needed opportunity to do it!"

("Fine. Can I at least do a test run?")

"Whatever."

("Wait, how do I choose where to re-spawn at?")

"Once you know that your spirit is returning to Earth, think of a place and you'll be there. Where are you going now?"

("Where else? My hotel room.")

Kenny pulled a gun out of his pocket and shot himself. After bleeding for a few seconds, he died.

"Uh…good night?"

A little ways ahead, and completely oblivious to the recent gunshot, Kyle, Stan, Butters, and Cartman were becoming increasingly anxious about Trent.

"We're not safe here!"

"Oh man how are we supposed to stay away from Trent!?" Stan asked aloud. "He could be anywhere and I'm sure he's looking for us now!"

"What can we do!?" Butters answered. "It's not like we can ask anybody for protection! Anybody we do ask, we'd have to explain everything. We can't expose these fellas if Trent's working for the bad guy!"

"Oh man we're screwed!"

"Maybe we can call the juvie and tell them that Trent escaped?" Cartman suggested.

"There's some other kid taking his place. I doubt they'd believe us."

"We're just going to have face the facts guys." Stan pointed out. "Either we hide from Trent and let Davenport win or we just be brave."

Cartman sighed. "As if things didn't suck ass already for me."

"What do you mean Eric?" Butters asked.

"I don't have a dad and I just find out I don't have a mom. The whore I thought was my mom has just been lying about it my whole life."

"Dude, you can't hold this against her." Kyle told him.

"Why the hell not you asshole Jew!? My whole life I've been deceived lie after lie by some bitch claiming to be my mom!"

"Cartman it doesn't matter! Just be happy that she took the time to care for and raise you. In that sense, she IS your mom!"

"Don't give me one of your gay little speeches Kyle! How would you feel if the same thing happened with your mom, huh!? How do you think Stan would feel if he found out Bebe and Wendy were both lesbian!?"

"DUDE!" Stan retorted.

"Secrets aren't good for anyone Kyle, they just make shit worse! Do you remember what happened when Butters' mom found out that his dad went to a gay bathhouse!?"

"My mom freaked out so much she tried to kill me!" Butters answered for him.

"Exactly! Or like the time Stan sent us on that damn zip lining tour because he wanted a fucking iPod Nano!"

"We get your point Cartman." Stan replied as Cartman calmed down a little.

"Just watch and see how we all turn out now Kyle! When I found out who my father was, he had all been taken hostage by my half-brother and his gang of gingers!"

"OK, so ONE time something as drastic as that happened."

"And this is clearly a direct continuation of that time Kyle!"

"Guys! Ssshhh!" Stan tried to quiet the others.

"What dude?"

"Do you guys…feel like you're being watched right now?"

The boys immediately stopped talking and nervously looked around themselves. They weren't being watched, but they sure felt like they were.

"Gosh fellas…if only Chef were here."

Butters' sudden comment, though somewhat surprising since Chef had been gone for so long, was agreed upon by the others.

"Chef did always know what to say."

* * *

 **A/N: Alright! Chapter 2 is done! Be on the lookout for Chapter 3!**

 **All feedback is appreciated :)**


	3. Chapter 3

RFSP episode #103

Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans

Chapter 3-Cartman's hidden feelings

* * *

Down in Davenport's lair, Davenport was introducing Trent to the next new admin he had hired.

"Trent, I want you to meet one of your partners for the mission."

A silhouette came into view.

"Who the hell is this guy!?" Trent asked.

"What do you mean 'Who am I'…." The figure said as he stepped into the light and exposed himself. "It's me…Saddam Hussein!"

"You!?" Trent turned back around to face Davenport. "You hired HIM!? What the hell for!?"

"Why not? He was once somewhat involved in the lives of those boys. I figured he could be of use to me."

"And he promised that I get Canada and all of the Middle East once we take over the world!" Saddam added.

"What does he want with anybody from South Park!?"

"Kenny." Davenport answered.

"Kenny?"

"Of course!" Saddam replied. "That little orange kid is the reason Satan dumped me! I was so close to ruling the world with Satan too weak to tell me not to, and then he ruined it all for me!"

"I thought that was Cartman!"

"Who, the fat one? No, he just beat the shit out of me with his electrical powers that activated every time he cursed. I was on my last stand and demanded Satan save me, but what Kenny had told him earlier about sticking up for yourself caused Satan to do as Kenny suggested, and he threw me back down to Hell where I got impaled on a stalagmite! And then Satan sent me to Heaven to live with the Mormons! Do you have any idea how torturous that was!? And it was all Kenny's fault!"

"And since he's lived in Heaven and Hell, that makes him somewhat of an immortal!" Davenport added. "That makes us even with that damn Unit 14!"

"You said there three more serving as admins didn't you?" Trent asked.

"Yes, yes, of course. One's not finished, one said something about gathering his army, and the other…is right on his way."

* * *

At that moment, a plane carrying just a few men was making its way towards the AGA's secret lair. The men themselves were dressed like jungle explorers, the leader of which sported a silver-gray mustache.

"Well I hate to cancel our upcoming trip to that new island we just discovered." The leader said to the rest of the group. "But this opportunity did sound rather interesting, right boys?"

"Sure did."

"But do we really need to get revenge on those boys William?" another member asked. "We were never arrested or anything."

The leader, known as William, puffed on his pipe. "True. But there was a good chance that could've happened. And we almost lost Jerome."

"Fair point. He'd still be perfectly human if those kids hadn't gotten involved. Where is Jerome anyway?"

"He's still charging."

Suddenly, the door to the back room of the plane opened up. Slowly, as if for dramatic effect, a big figure wearing Darth Vader-like robotic armor and wielding a large glowing red spatula for a weapon stepped out. The figure wore a helmet meant to resemble a chef's hat.

"Ah Chef!" William said to him. "It appears you're ready. Do you have enough marlocks? We can always stop and get-."

" **I'm OK."** The robot responded in a sinister sounding voice.

"Splendid! We should be arriving shortly."

* * *

The next morning, Wendy knocked on the door to Bebe's room, wanting to know if she was going to the tournament grounds later. The door opened, but Bebe looked like she was expecting a disaster.

"Hey Bebe do you want-."

"Wendy, I'm really sorry, but I can't talk right now! It's already 9:00 and I need to find one of those shuttle areas, wherever they are!"

"Why? The grounds are right down the road."

"MOM! DAD! COME ON!" Bebe yelled back into the room. "I can catch up with you later but-."

"Bebe what is going on? You seem to have abandoned us lately. It's about what Stan said isn't it?"

Bebe froze. "Huh?"

"Did he not tell you? He's kind of trying to get back together with me. I was going to tell you what he said to me, but I couldn't find you anywhere." Bebe didn't respond. "Are you mad?"

Bebe sighed. "No, I'm not actually. I can't talk right now, but I figured this would happen eventually. If the two of you want each other back, I'm totally fine with it. But I really have to go now."

"Why? You're so panicky all of a sudden and-."

"Ask Stan or something, I have to go now, or we're all dead by Friday!" Bebe exclaimed without thinking. "MOM! DAD! I'M LEAVING!" She yelled one last time into the room as she sped off towards the elevator, leaving a very perplexed Wendy by herself.

"Dead by Friday…what?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Stan was waiting very impatiently for Butters to meet him in the lobby.

"Damn it, where is he!?"

As soon as he said that, Butters came racing into the lobby, out of breath

"About time!"

"S-sorry." Butters panted in between breaths.

"Do you have the thing?"

"Y-yeah."

"Alright then, let's go. I hope the others make it there in time. Dad! I'm ready!"

* * *

Eight minutes away from the Nex, Dylan was in the process of driving all the Broflovski's to the grounds.

"Kyle is everything alright?" Gerald asked on the way over. "You and Ike both look…like we're all going to die or something!"

"Uh, no Dad, I'm fine."

"Nobody's going to die! I'll make sure of it!" Dylan blurted out.

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, nothing."

* * *

Several miles away, on board a shuttle heading towards the main gate of the golf course, Cartman, Liane, and the Stevens were all sitting together.

"I'm a little surprised Bebe wanted to be with Eric today." Mrs. Stevens told Liane. "I had no idea our kids were such good friends."

"Uh…neither did I." Liane replied.

Bebe and Cartman themselves were sitting a few rows back, with Cartman in the window seat leaning his head against the window and staring at whatever the shuttle drove by.

"Can I count on you to focus?" Bebe asked Cartman.

"Say what?"

"Do you remember what we're doing?"

"Of course. We take the triangle thing to the square thing by the 11th hole. And then I make my 'mom' or one of her douchebag agency friends tell me who my real mom is." Cartman's tone of voice sounded rather depressed.

"I can't imagine what you've been through." Bebe said sympathetically.

Cartman breathed a deep sigh. "Nobody can."

"Aren't you at least happy that Terrance and Phillip are here?"

"Of course!"

Seeing Cartman lean his head out the window out of total sadness really got Bebe down. She couldn't possibly imagine the emotional pain Cartman was going through, a side which she had only witnessed one other time, and it was when Cartman found out Jack Tenorman was his father. But to have lived with that for only four years and now this new discovery of Liane not being his mom and his real mom having died long ago…she wished she could cheer him up, something she never thought she'd wish for.

As if seeing Cartman this sad wasn't depressing enough, Bebe suddenly remembered something…it was something she thought about every now and then, but not too much. She wanted to ask Cartman this for a while, and saw this as the perfect opportunity to finally ask him now that they were alone.

"Cartman?"

"What?" Cartman replied, keeping his face glued to the window.

"Can I…ask you something…kind of personal?"

"Sure."

Bebe was at a loss for words on just how to ask the question. "What were your thoughts on the kiss?"

Cartman turned around to face her, not sure of what she meant by that question.

"The kiss?"

"You know…between you and…Wendy. Back in 3rd grade when you were on the debate team."

"Well…I certainly didn't expect it…to say the least."

Bebe knew right away what he was trying to not tell her. "Do you like her?"

"What?"

"Wendy. Do you like her?"

Cartman was a bit speechless. "Ah…that's not…yes, I do." Cartman sighed deeply.

"You do?"

"For years, though it was sort of off again, on again."

"How?"

"When the two of us were on the debate team, I knew there was something between us…I could just feel it, and I thought she did too." Cartman said, still sounding extremely sad. "I started to love her back…I had no idea that she of all people would ever have anything in common with me. I couldn't stop thinking about her in the days leading up to the debate. And then, it happened. She got up to the podium, started speaking, and then immediately came back down and kissed me full on the lips. On the outside, I just sat there taunting Stan the rest of the time, but on the inside…I felt happy. Not just happy…really, really happy. I knew what I had to do. I planned on confessing my love to her after the debate was over but…but…then…." Cartman couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. Tears started to form in his eyes, and he desperately tried to fight them back.

"What happened?" Bebe asked, fully aware of what did happen afterwards.

Cartman answered her, fighting the tears back even harder. "After the debate I was going to tell her how I felt, how she made me feel happy…but then…before I got the chance to talk, she walked up to me all smiling. I took it as a good sign, but I was wrong. She happily told me that she was just glad she had gotten her feelings for me out of her system and that she was back to normal. I just kind of went along and said 'Yeah, see you later, heh heh' in the same happy chuckle tone of voice and then…I just watched her walk away."

"So how are your feelings for her off again, on again?"

"Well, you know, she stayed with Stan for a few more years, and then dumped him for Token. She didn't stay with Token that long, so I wanted to make a move, but never worked up the courage. Then after she got back together with Stan, I kind of forgot about it. But now that she's single again…now…now those feelings are back." Cartman lost the fight against his emotions, as one tear rolled out of his eye and slid down his cheek

That's when Bebe realized something horrible. She gasped once she remembered…that it was all her fault. She had told Wendy her feelings for Cartman was just sexual tension. She had no idea Cartman wanted to reciprocate Wendy's feelings. "Oh my God…." she whispered as a huge tsunami wave of guilt splashed across her face.

"Cartman…I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

Cartman stopped crying momentarily to face her again. "H-huh? What do you mean?"

"Well…Wendy told me that she was attracted to you. She asked me for help because she couldn't concentrate on the debate. I told her it was just sexual tension and that she should kiss you to get it out of her system. And well…I guess it worked."

"Y-y-you what?" Cartman began to silently cry again.

"Cartman, I'm really, really sorry! I didn't think you'd like her back! Oh, I feel awful…." Bebe was completely guilt-ridden in her apology.

"Cartman…I'd rather not be the bearer of more grim news but, uh…Wendy…told me something this morning. And from what it sounds like…Stan's trying to…get back together with her…again."

"He is?" asked a teary-eyed Cartman.

"But after my time with Stan I'm getting the vibe that he never hated her, but just wanted to be friends."

Cartman realized he should have figured it would happen.

"Of course…I should've suspected." Cartman said in between tears. "I'm sure they'll get back together again."

"But Cartman, this is such a good opportunity! Maybe you could tell Stan how you feel about Wendy and-."

"No!" Cartman cried out. "It doesn't matter. Who the hell am I kidding anyway?"

"What do you mean? I really think that if you talked to them and tell them how you feel about her, they'd-."

"They wouldn't Bebe!" Cartman's eyes and face were soaked with tears. "Why would Wendy want to like me back anyway? She said it herself…it was just tension, and nothing more." Cartman turned back around and wept silently into the window for most of the remainder of the ride.

"She'd never love me back…why would she?" Cartman whispered one last time through his tears. Bebe felt awful. It was all her fault. She was once again filled with guilt. She had told Wendy her feelings towards Cartman weren't real and now Cartman was completely heart-broken thanks to her.

"Oh God…what have I done…."

* * *

Minutes later, Dylan, the Marsh's, the Stotch's, and the Broflovski's all arrived at Gate 2.

"Dude, how are we supposed to get the synchronizers past security?" Stan asked Dylan.

Dylan face palmed. "Fuck! I knew I was forgetting something! Wait here!" Dylan ran off and returned a few seconds later.

"What did you do?"

"Easy. I just threw them over the fence and nobody noticed."

"That's it?"

"When you're a member of The Agency, you gain the power to make even the simplest non-discrete things totally discrete."

"Neat-o!" Butters replied.

"What about Cartman? What's he going to do?"

"Call him on your earpiece. Tell him that Cartman's mom will need to do what I did."

"To just throw them over the fence?"

"You got it."

One by one, the group got the green light from security, and they headed towards the golf course.

"Where was it you wanted to go to so badly Stan?" Sharon asked.

"Hole number 2!"

"Alright then."

While nobody was watching, Dylan took a few steps away from the group and found the synchronizers, and gave one to Stan and Butters.

"Good luck you two!" Dylan, Kyle, and Ike started to walk the opposite direction.

"Mom, we're going with Dylan now." Kyle told Sheila.

"OK bube have fun!"

Dylan, Kyle, and Ike quickly made their way over to the 1st Aid tent. Kyle was fiddling with the synchronizer, trying to get it working.

"Come on…come on…got it!" Kyle exclaimed as "Confirm Sync" appeared on the screen

"Yay!" Ike cheered.

"Liane! Cartman! Bebe! Are you there?" Dylan spoke into his earpiece.

* * *

Cartman, Liane, and the Stevens had just gotten past security.

"We're here!" Liane answered Dylan.

"Mom, I'll be with Cartman for a while." Bebe told her mother.

"OK Bebe see you later!"

The trio rushed over to the receiver near the 11th hole. Cartman took the synchronizer out and walked around a little before "Confirm Sync?" appeared on the screen.

"Alright Butters!" Cartman spoke into his earpiece. "Don't fuck this up for all of us!"

"Ah!" came a small scream from the other end.

"Not cool fat ass!" Stan retorted in Butters' defense.

* * *

The Marsh's and the Stotch's were sitting in a grandstand by the 2nd hole, patiently waiting for the first golfer to show up.

"It's almost 10:00! It's now or never!" Stan whispered to Butters. "Dad I need to go to the bathroom. Like, now."

"Me too!"

"But you'll miss the first swing of the day!" Linda replied.

"Uh I'm about to pee myself Mom."

"Alright then."

"Be back here soon OK?" Randy told them.

"Yeah, yeah."

Stan and Butters ran to the grove of trees a little ways away. They hurriedly looked for the receiver until "Confirm Sync?" finally appeared on the synchronizer's screen.

"We're here! We're here!" Stan shouted into his earpiece.

"OK everyone, get ready!" Dylan instructed. "On three! One…two…three!"

Dylan, Stan, and Cartman all pressed the "Confirm Sync?" buttons on their synchronizers. The word "Busy" appeared on all three screens and a few seconds later, all three screens read "Data range found. Synchronization completed."

Stan breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now what?"

"Excellent question." Dylan said. "First things first, I need to get the others here so we can collect the data. For now, do what you want but stay far away from any AGA personnel only areas or the personnel themselves. Drop the synchronizers right where you're standing. Trust me, nobody'll ever notice."

Dylan, Stan, and Cartman all dropped their synchronizers on the ground.

"Stay alert everyone." Dylan cautioned. "I'm getting a really awful vibe."

Kenny soon arrived on the scene and walked up to Dylan, Kyle, and Ike.

"Oh hey Kenny." Kyle greeted him.

"So did it work Kenny?" Dylan asked.

("Yep! I appeared in my hotel room three hours later, this time without coming out through my mom's uterus!")

"Glad to hear its working for you!"

"What?" Kyle asked.

("Oh you'll find out soon enough.")

* * *

Later in the day, Token, Craig, Clyde, Jimmy, and Douchebag (the new kid) were sitting in a grandstand by the 17th hole. They were recalling the events that took place when Douchebag had first moved to South Park. Naturally, Douchebag wasn't saying a word.

"That's exactly why I took the stick, remember?" Clyde asked the others.

"Yeah but you were also messing w-w-with the Nazi zombie g-g-g-goo." Jimmy replied.

"Yeah you thought that that stuff was Taco Bell sauce retard!" Token directed at Clyde.

"Y-y-yeah!"

"Whatever." Craig said in his trademark monotonous voice.

"Oh like you have a good defense for yourself you traitor!" Token shot back at Craig.

"It was just a game." Craig continued. "It was a game that Cartman was in charge of. He still owes me my birthday money from a few years ago."

"Yeah we all kind of hate Cartman in one way or another don't we?" Clyde asked the others.

"He made me look like a fucking patient zero and then shot me in my arm!" Token angrily recalled the time a few months prior when Cartman was convinced that Token was the patient zero of a World War Z style epidemic.

"He took credit for my f-f-f-fi-fish sticks joke!"

"And he punched me out of my own treehouse near the end of the game!" Clyde angrily recalled. "Not to mention he had already banished me from space and time!"

"And he set me up to fight Tweek." Craig recalled

The boys sat in silence for a few seconds.

"I'm hungry."

"Me too."

"Yeah let's go to that big tent and get some free lunch."

"Being VIP k-k-ki-kicks ass, huh fellas?"

"Are you coming?" Token asked Douchebag, who then got up and followed them. The group walked over to the Par 4 Pavilion and went inside after getting their passes checked…but they certainly weren't expecting Unit 14 to be eating lunch in there.

"Is that Cartman's mom?" Token pointed out. "With Terrance and Phillip!?"

"Hey yeah…that is Terrance and Phillip!"

"What are they doing with Cartman's mom?"

"Who cares? Let's ask them for a-a-auto-autographs!"

Unit 14 hadn't seen the boys come in.

"For an evil maniac, Davenport sure can find good cooks." Dylan commented.

"Even if some of it just catering." Jessica added.

"I still prefer the food we had at The Agency." Liane added.

"Uh oh."

"What is it Phillip?" Terrance asked.

"Turn around."

The other four turned around and their eyes grew wide as they saw the boys approaching them.

"Terrance and Phillip!" Clyde yelled as they kept walking towards them. "Can we have your autographs!?"

"Oh shit! Bail! BAIL!" Dylan screamed.

"What kind of bail!?" Jessica asked in a panic.

"I don't know, do any kind!"

Jessica took out a smoke bomb and threw it on the ground. While the smoke cleared, Unit 14 escaped.

"I thought you said these things change our appearance!"

"Only for our enemies!"

The smoke completely cleared a few seconds later.

"What the hell was that!?" Token asked in between coughs.

"Aw, they're gone!"

"Token are you sure that was Cartman's mom?"

"Yeah! And I think that other kid may have been the guy that Kyle is staying with!"

"I got it!"

"What?"

"R-r-r-remember when we first got her that Davenport guy c-c-ca-came on the news and had that p-had that p-p-had that photo?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm pretty sure that Cartman's mom and that other kid were the-the-on-the ones in it!"

"Now you got me paranoid." Token said.

"Didn't he say to report it we saw anyone in that picture?"

"Yes."

"I don't know, maybe we shouldn't."

Just then, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman had walked in.

"Yeah but we almost blew it thanks to fat ass here." Stan commented.

"Nuh-uh I was the first one there!" Cartman noticed Craig and the others. "Hey assholes, what's up?"

Craig flipped Cartman off. "I'd like my birthday money back."

"Get over that already Craig." Kyle told him.

"Cartman do you know why your mom was in here with Terrance and Phillip?" Token asked, which made the three boys stop walking.

"N-no why would Terrance and Phillip be here?" Cartman answered.

"The three of them were in here along with that guy Kyle's staying with and some hot chick." Craig noted.

"And what makes you think we know anything?" Stan asked.

"Because you're always the ones getting involved in this stuff. You snoop around too much and then the next thing you know, you drag someone else along to fight off giant guinea pigs."

"Like that was our fault dipshit!" Cartman retorted.

"It was."

"We don't know anything guys, OK?" Kyle pleaded.

"I sm-sme-smell denial."

"Really Jimmy it's nothing, can we just get lunch now?"

* * *

Later that night at the Scralp residence, Kyle, Ike, and Dylan were watching the news.

"And now for an AGA Final's update." The reporter began. "Earlier today a smoke bomb was set off in the Par 4 Pavilion tent at the tournament grounds."

Kyle immediately knew what that meant. "Oh God, please don't tell me-."

"Yeah it was me." Dylan answered.

"What the hell dude!?"

"Hey, Jessica was the one who actually threw the smoke bomb!"

Davenport appeared on the screen. "This is indeed quite an odd thing to happen. But don't worry, it's not a threat. I know who did it, why they did it, and how they got past our perfect security."

"I thought you were going to be careful!" Kyle said.

"What was I supposed to do? My unit was eating in there and Token saw us! They can't see us there! Nobody can see the five of us together! Of course we had to get out of there!"

Dylan's phone began to ring and he answered it. "Hello? Chris?"

"I swear Dylan and his little gang are going to get us killed." Kyle said to Ike.

"Same here." Ike replied.

Dylan continued his phone call. "You do? Already? Alright! I didn't think it would happen that fast! Yes tell me! Uh huh. Yeah. OK and-what? Figures. Well then I suppose-wait are you serious!? OK then get the rest of them! We'll be there in 10 minutes!" Dylan hung up. "Kyle! Ike! We need to go! NOW!"

"What dude?"

"My team knows Davenport's ultimate plan, and it isn't pretty! MOM! MOM!"

Sonja walked into the room. "You don't need to scream."

"I have to take Kyle and Ike to the hotel."

"For what?"

"Because his friend Kenny is about to jump off of the Nex!"

"What!?" Kyle said.

"Oh my God! Sheila!"

Sheila entered the room. "What?"

"Dylan says he just got off the phone with the hotel and that Kyle's friend Kenny is about to commit suicide!"

"Wh-wh-what!"

"Uh yeah…now I'm really sad." Kyle said as he began to fake cry.

"Gerald, get out here!"

Gerald entered the room. "What?"

"Kyle's friend Kenny is trying to kill himself!"

"Oh my God!"

"Go get the others and tell them to come on!"

Gerald ran off looking for Scott. "Scott! Your hotel's about to have a dead 9 year-old on their hands!" Sonja and Sheila left the room too. Kyle jumped up and slapped Dylan real hard.

"OW! What the fuck Kyle!?"

"What the fuck me!? How about what the fuck you!? Why did you say Kenny is committing suicide?"

"Because he will be."

"What!?"

* * *

Speaking of which, Kenny was sitting in the hot tub at the Nex hotel's pool, unhooded, by himself when his phone rang.

"Hello? Dylan? I need to die? Forget it. I do that enough as it is. What? Fine. Where do you want me to rematerialize? Here? You got to be kidding me. Fine, whatever. See you in a new life."

Kenny hung up, got out of the hot tub, dried himself off, put his clothes on, and headed to the roof of the Nex.

("See you in a new life? Oh God, I'm making bad puns at my own expense.")

* * *

A few minutes later the Broflovski's and the Scralp's had arrived on the scene. Kyle and Ike rushed through the huge crowd and found Stan, Cartman, and Butters.

"Kyle!"

"Is Kenny really trying to kill himself!?"

"Yeah, look!" Stan pointed to the roof where Kenny was standing.

"Oh my God!"

Up on the roof, Kenny was setting up a portable trampoline to make sure he fell from a high enough height.

("And then Stan says 'Oh my God! They killed Kenny!' And then Kyle says 'You bastards!' It's like this every time and yet nobody remembers.") Kenny sighed angrily. ("At least with the effects of this potion I can make them remember.")

Back on the ground, nobody noticed that Dylan was quietly sneaking away.

"Kenny don't jump dude!" Kyle yelled up to the roof.

"Don't do it Kenny! All us fellas want you to stay!"

Kenny took a few steps back, ran full speed, jumped really high on the trampoline, and plunged off the roof toward the ground. Once he hit the ground, his body completely splattered, killing him instantly, and leaving everyone else in a state of total shock.

* * *

 **A/N: Alright, another chapter done! We're about to get to the climax of this plot!**

 **Please leave a review!**


	4. Chapter 4

RFSP episode #103

Deep Secrets, Dark Secrets, And Plans

Chapter 4-Davenport's master plan

* * *

A mere five minutes after jumping off the roof of the Nex hotel, Kenny knocked on the door to Butters' hotel room. Butters opened the door and let him in, where he noticed that Stan, Kyle, Ike, Cartman, Bebe, Jessica, Chris, Dylan, and Sara were also present.

"Oh hey Kenny." Stan greeted him, causing Kenny to face palm again.

"Did it hurt?" Dylan asked.

("Fuck you.")

"What are we here for again?"

"We…know their plan. Completely." Sara answered.

"And it's pretty serious." Chris added.

"Right. So everyone…listen carefully. This is pretty long. Ready?" Dylan asked the others, who all shook their heads yes.

"OK then, I'll start now. Davenport has now successfully extracted the line of code he needed from Justyn Henryk's brain. The drill he's going to use to find Chemical Z is now ready. And now we know exactly what he plans on using Chemical Z for and why he needs you kids. It all goes back to the dark origins of Chemical Z."

"Dark!?"

"Well yeah, I told you this was serious. The origin of Chemical Z was something that every member of The Agency was thoroughly educated about during our extensive training. Hence another reason why the Agency was known about by few: To protect this dark secret."

"A secret that could practically end the world as we know it." Jessica added.

"In fact that's practically why The Agency was founded: Not just for national security, but to protect all of mankind…and beyond."

"Beyond?" Kyle asked. "You mean like the whole universe?"

"Exactly."

"You're just full of surprises huh?"

"If you say so." Dylan continued. "The Agency knew how serious Chemical Z is, so it couldn't just have a select amount of members. Those select few had to be pushed way past any limits when necessary. They had to be able to kick ass, no matter how big it was. They had to-."

"We get it dude: You had to be the absolute best of the best in every way imaginable."

"Precisely so." Jessica replied.

Dylan continued. "They took the files of every single person in the country at the time. Everyone, from the homeless to the billionaires, from the weak to the extreme buff, was researched. Our files were scanned in some kind of highly advanced computer program. Each individual had about a 1 in 1 quintillion chance of being selected. And somehow, I made it. And so did Jessica, and Cartman's mom, and Terrance, and Phillip. And so did every other member. And so, The Agency was born."

"But Terrance and Phillip aren't American!" Butters pointed out.

"By every single person in the country at the time, I meant it literally. Not just citizens or permanent residents, no, literally EVERY single person whose two feet were standing on American soil at the precise moment the computer program was initiated. Thus, a few non-Americans made the cut, Terrance and Phillip being two of them. As time went on, we began to do international espionage missions as well. While they were always for the good of the country, in the process we also made sure none of them found out about Chemical Z. As I said earlier, Davenport was a double agent for America's enemies. Although, he wasn't a field agent, he was one of the top leading scientists in The Agency, and was the head of the Weapons and Tactics department. Once he knew what Chemical Z was capable of, he started secretly helping our enemies. Once he was exposed, he fled America. That's how he became The Agency's most wanted person. And since my unit encountered him the most during missions, my unit became his arch nemesis. But now it's time for you to know the secret origin of Chemical Z? Are you ready?"

A bit nervously, all the kids, minus Kenny since he already knew, shook their heads yes one-by-one.

"Very well then. Pay very close attention. This is going to sound EXTREMELY far-fetched and outright absurd, but this is the truth, so please believe me when I say this. Anyway, Chemical Z's origin is actually an alien one, and dates back to several thousand years ago. Contrary to what your average history textbook states, the technology then was actually MORE advanced than it is now. Not only that, but humans had a way of contacting aliens and other life outside Earth as well as having the ability to space travel. At some point in history, commonly believed to be about 1187 A.D., humans had formed a quite nasty relationship with an alien race known as the Zyton's and mankind was constantly butting heads with them. Well one day, a miracle happened. The Zyton's wanted to make a peaceful pact with Earth. The humans agreed and as a sign of peace and trust, the Zyton's gave the humans a sample of an element from planet Zyton that was both common and very useful to them. This element was none other than…Chemical Z. However, mankind was unable to find a safe use for it and we quickly realized that despite the small size of the sample, Chemical Z was WAY too dangerous for ANY ATTEMPTED use on Earth, no matter what. Fearing for the entire planet's safety, we hid Chemical Z right near the core. So deep underground, it'd be next to impossible to locate it. In fact Chemical Z was so dangerous, that the human race decided it'd be better to just forget it all together. But that meant that mankind had to erase anything that had the slightest relation with Chemical Z from the written timeline of history. The world's top historians then got together and wrote a false history to replace the parts that Chemical Z was included in. This also meant reshaping all of Earth's society as a whole, which meant completely eliminating, and replacing our technology from the highly advanced stuff we had to the extremely simple stuff history textbooks say we had back in those times, as well as cutting off our access to space and alien life. For how advanced Earth was back then, humanity had to dumb down our knowledge and ways of living by about 300 times as much. Once the timeline was rewritten, the world's top scientists then invented a serum that, when injected, would cause a person to completely forget Chemical Z's place in history and instead replace their memories and knowledge with the false timeline the historians wrote. Once the Zyton's agreed to never talk about Chemical Z with anyone from Earth, the serum was injected into everyone on Earth, save a group of 300, without delay. By the time the serum was made, it was the mid 1600's. The reason why 300 people were chosen to not receive the serum was to make sure Chemical Z was never rediscovered. Those 300 would be the only ones on Earth to remember anything related to the truth or the ways of living and events the true timeline had. They were effectively, the guardians of Chemical Z. It took three years, but eventually everyone had received the serum. Mankind then began to live the lives the false timeline had detailed. Are you kids still with me?"

Dylan, who had been facing the window for some reason, turned back around to see six gaping mouths hanging wide open.

"Dude…."

"What…."

"I know, I know. This sounds downright absurd. But trust me, it's the truth, and I really need you guys to believe it. Can you do that?"

"It's not that we don't believe you dude, we do." Kyle replied. "But seriously, that is SOME story!"

"So some events in history never actually happened?"

"Right." Sara answered.

"Like what?"

"Anything that happened between 1324 and 1636 A.D. was rewritten in the false timeline." Dylan continued. "The Ming Dynasty never existed, the First Thanksgiving was actually the first heavy massacre, and Christopher Columbus never sailed any ocean. America already had a quite thriving population and Columbus himself was the biggest village idiot anybody ever saw."

"Really?"

"Yep. And those were just three of several events that had to be rewritten to fit the false timeline. But as time went on both the ones with the serum and the special 300 had children. Both of which were as clueless as the ones who had the serum. As time went on though, the 300 informed younger people of the truth and swore them to secrecy. Over the years there have never been more than 100,000 people on Earth to know the truth. And all this…is what every member of The Agency was extensively educated on. As I said earlier, The Agency was primarily founded to better keep this dark truth hidden away and make sure nobody got their hands on Chemical Z. Once Davenport learned of all this…that's when he became filled with intense ambition for power and became a double agent: Informing America's enemies of this truth, so they could all find Chemical Z. And now all my fellow 11th graders know all of this…and now you kids know it too."

"But what is Davenport's plan?"

"He plans on using Chemical Z in what we understand to be some odd cliché way to establish some kind of new world order, killing you kids in the process." Chris answered.

"WHAT!?"

"But I thought he needed us!"

"He does. You see, when mankind hid Chemical Z, we had also developed some kind of magic lock on it. Only a young noble child can undo that lock. This is exactly why he needs you kids. The person who opens the lock has to be that young. If at any point, the world ever needed Chemical Z, the ones who knew the truth could guide the world into locating and using it. That is why 300 people did not receive the serum."

"But does he really need all seven of us?"

"To be completely honest, not entirely. Davenport had always thought that Cartman would be the one to break the lock, due to his mom being in The Agency."

"ME!?"

"Yes, you. He figured if Cartman wasn't that noble, then it must be Ike."

"Ike comes after Cartman?" asked a bewildered Kyle. "How?"

"Because Ike saved the Princess of Canada, remember? Anyways he figured if it wasn't Ike, then it'd be Kyle since their brothers. If not Kyle, Stan due to your friendship."

"How is fat ass more noble then me!?"

"Because you're a Jew Kyle." Cartman answered.

"Shut up fat ass!"

"Who does he think comes after me?" Stan asked.

"At first Wendy." Sara answered. "But since you two broke up, it's changed to Bebe. If it wasn't her, then it would be Butters, and if he STILL didn't have the right guy, it would be Kenny."

"He'd just keep going until he eventually found the right guy." Chris continued. "He created this complex algorithm to figure out who would be most likely, 2nd most likely, and so on and so on. All we know is that if someone from South Park can break the lock, it's one of you 4th Graders, along with Ike. So in order to lure you guys here, the AGA set up that fake 'free admission' sweepstakes. Your town was automatically going to 'win'."

"How do we stop Davenport?" Butters asked.

"I don't know…yet." Dylan answered. "But MY ultimate plan is to simply kill that son of a bitch before any of this happens."

"Kill him!?" Jessica replied.

"Well what the hell else am I supposed to do!?"

"Not do it by yourself for starters!"

"Well duh you guys are going to be a part of it!"

What the group failed to realize is that the room had been bugged earlier by an AGA employee. The entire conversation had been watched by Davenport, Trent Boyett, Saddam Hussein, Darth Chef, and William.

"Kill me?" Davenport wondered. "Ha! Is that the best he can think of?"

"I thought I was killing them!" Trent complained.

"Patience kid. Once I have Chemical Z, then you can kill who you please."

"I'll finally have my revenge on that orange piece of shit!" Saddam exclaimed.

"Alright everyone!" Davenport announced as he rubbed his hands together. "There's been a sudden change in plans…." He ended his sentence with a very evil laugh.

* * *

Later that night, at about 1 A.M. or so, Dylan was sound asleep on the couch on the TV room couch at his house, when he was suddenly awakened by a loud alarm on his phone. He woke up and checked it. It was an emergency text message from Sara and it read "S.O.S! Emergency! Davenport's making his move NOW!"

"Oh, Davenport's just making-OH MY GOD! HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE NOW!"

Panicking, Dylan rushed upstairs and violently shook Kyle and Ike awake.

"Dude…what the hell?" asked a half-asleep Kyle.

"Get up! We're all in danger!"

"Huh?"

"My team just notified me that Davenport is making his next move now!"

"What does that mean?"

"He's rounding everyone from South Park and Nexton up! Including all the tourists from out of town! We need to get your friends out of here before he gets to the hotel, come on!"

Kyle, Ike, and Dylan hurriedly threw some clothes on and rushed out of the house, the ruckus causing everyone else to wake up by the time they left. The trio got in Dylan's car and sped off towards the Nex hotel.

"Call the others on your earpieces!" Dylan told Kyle and Ike. "Tell them to get out of there anyway they can! There isn't much time!"

Kyle attempted to contact the others. "Stan? Stan! Butters! Cartman! WAKE UP!"

* * *

Inside room 226 of the Nex, Stan was sound asleep on the pull out couch bed, when he was suddenly woken up by Kyle's screams.

"Kyle?" Stan said, only half awake.

"Dylan says to get the others and get the hell out of there NOW!" Kyle replied.

"What for?"

"It sounds like the AGA is making their move now dude! Ike and I are on our way there!"

"Do we have a meeting place or something?"

"I don't know!"

Just then, Stan noticed something outside the window and got up to look.

"What the fuck!?"

Stan saw what appeared to be helicopters and an advancing army that was packing heat approaching the hotel from a distance.

"Stan, who are you talking to?" Randy asked. Stan and Kyle's conversation had woken him up. "What's that outside?"

"Our doom."

"What?"

Randy got up and looked out the window, while Stan started to put change into his normal clothes.

"Stan, what are you doing?"

"Leaving!"

"Stan it's 1 in the morning and it doesn't look too safe out there right now."

"If I don't go, they're going to get me!"

"Who?"

"The AGA!"

"What's happening?" Sharon asked, as Shelly and her had woken up.

"If you ask me, a war is breaking out down there." Randy answered her as the girls got up to look out the window.

"Oh my God!" Sharon exclaimed. "What is all of that?"

When the others weren't looking, Stan left the room and slammed the door. Stan ran into Cartman in the hallway a few seconds later.

"Cartman! We-."

"Yeah I know, Jew boy told me to get you!"

"What about the others!?"

"Who cares!? We need to get out of here!"

Stan and Cartman dashed to the elevator and got inside just as Sharon stepped out of room 226, yelling at Stan to get back inside the room.

* * *

Meanwhile, up in room 345, Kenny was scrambling to leave as well. Very hesitantly, he decided not to wake Kevin and Karen up, who were somehow sleeping through the outside invasion. Kenny bounded out of the room and started yelling into his earpiece.

("Kenny to Dylan! I see what's happening! Where do we rendezvous?")

* * *

By this point, the advancing AGA army had breached the Nex hotel. The army began firing their weapons, causing the people in the lobby to panic and run. Up on the 3rd floor of the west wing, Butters attempted to escape, but got spotted by two AGA goons.

"It's one of the kids! Get him!"

"AAHH!"

Butters attempted to run away, but eventually got cornered. Luckily for him, Kenny came running up behind the goons and started beating them up and knocked them both out.

Butters breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks Kenny!"

("C'mon! There's no time!")

* * *

Dylan, Kyle, and Ike finally arrived at the Nex, where Dylan mowed through a few rows of AGA troops with his car. The trio got out of the car, but Dylan ran told Kyle and Ike not to follow him.

"OK you guys go find Chris! He should be over by the Spa! I need to meet up with my unit!"

"What!? But you'll-."

"I know what I'm doing Kyle! I'll be fine! You and Ike get out of here!"

"But-."

"GO!" Dylan yelled as he ran off into the crowd, fighting the bad guys as he went.

Kyle just stood there until his mind snapped back to reality. "C'mon Ike! We need to hurry!"

* * *

By now the hotel had turned into a semi warzone consisting of a one-sided war. AGA goons were firing guns, and people were extremely panicky, tripping over people and pushing them out of the way trying to escape. Kenny, Butters, and Bebe ran through the lobby and into the Nex dining room.

"WHAT ARE WE DOING!?" Butters yelled over the noise.

("The kitchen! Our only way out is through the kitchen!")

Kenny yelled into his earpiece, desperately trying to see where the others were.

("Hello? Anyone!?")

"Evening Kenny!" Jessica's voice responded.

("Jessica! Where are you!?")

Jessica was out on the west lawn, successfully fighting off all the AGA baddies that dared approach her.

"I'm just reminding these guys that you don't fuck with members of The Agency!"

Jessica was also in the process of protecting Wendy, Red, Heidi, and Annie, who had managed to get out of the hotel without a scratch, and were standing a few feet behind her.

* * *

Stan and Cartman had gotten themselves trapped on the roof.

"This isn't going to work!" Stan exclaimed.

"You have any better ideas asshole!?"

The two boys had acquired some bedsheets on the way up and had tied them together like parachutes. Unfortunately for them, AGA troops had just stormed the roof and cornered them.

"Give it up kids! We've compromised the area!"

"Damn it Cartman, why didn't you get your mom to go with you!?"

"You mean the bitch who's been pretending to be my mom my whole life!?"

"Dude that doesn't fucking matter right now! She was a fucking government spy! She could've helped us escape!"

"Just give it up!" one of the goons told them. "You have nowhere else to run!"

Stan looked at the AGA troops, then at the ground, and then at the troops again. Without warning, he grabbed Cartman's hand and they jumped off the roof. Surprisingly, their makeshift parachutes worked quite well and they floated safely down all four stories of the building to the ground. They tumbled onto the west lawn just as Jessica was finishing up the last of the people attacking her. Wendy instantly noticed them.

"Stan!"

"Wendy!"

Jessica turned around and noticed Stan and Cartman. "Oh good you're OK!"

"What the hell is going on!?" Red asked.

"It's Davenport! He's after all of us!"

Just then a helicopter flew over them and a rope descended from it.

"Don't worry, I'll teach them to fuck with me!" Jessica told the kids as some AGA troops slid down the rope. "You kids get to Chris!"

"What about Kyle!?"

"I don't know! Just go!"

Stan, Cartman, and the four girls rushed through the nearby patch of trees and climbed the wooden fence on the other end. Everyone but Cartman dropped down to the other side. Cartman got stuck trying to get his legs over.

"Hurry up fat ass!"

"I'm not fat I'm big boned you son of a bitch!"

Cartman wound up falling off the fence and landing on his face. Stan hurriedly got them up and the group kept running.

"Stan, what is going on!?" Wendy asked as they ran.

"We need to keep moving or Davenport is going to find us!"

"The guy who runs the AGA!?" Heidi asked.

"Yes!"

"What does he-."

"We can't talk right now, just run!"

* * *

Back at the Nex, Butters, Kenny, and Bebe had made their way to the back parking lot through the kitchen. Some AGA goons tried shooting them from a distance, causing Kenny to pull a grenade out of his pocket and throw it at them. The trio then hopped onto a golf cart they found a few feet away and sped off, with Kenny driving.

* * *

Kyle and Ike had finally managed to find Chris, who was busy in physical combat with some AGA goons. He noticed Kyle once he finished them all off.

"Am I glad to see you!"

"Same here!" Chris replied. "I'm park over there come on! We've got to find your friends!"

* * *

Stan, Cartman, and the girls made it far enough away from the Nex, completely out of breath.

"OK I think we lost them." Stan said in between heavy pants.

"Why are these guys after us!?" Red asked.

"If it was safe, I'd tell you everything. All I can tell you is that guy Kyle's staying with is the AGA's worst enemy. And so is Cartman's mom. And Terrance and Phillip."

"And you knew all of this?" Wendy asked Stan.

"Only since yesterday."

"Why didn't any of you say anything!?"

"Wendy I swear it was to protect all of us! I wanted to tell you, but this is apparently a matter of national security!"

Just then the group a rustling noise.

"What was that!?"

A group of figured, shrouded by the darkness, stepped into the moonlight, their red hair and large amounts of freckles shining brightly in the moon's reflection.

"The gingers!?" Cartman screamed, horrified as to what this most likely meant. "Oh sweet merciful Jesus tell me it isn't-."

"It is fat boy!" the oldest of the small group replied.

"No…nooooooo!"

"Run dude!"

Stan, Cartman, and the girls started running again, but Wendy tripped a few seconds later. Red, Heidi, and Annie tried to help her up, but they were too late. The four of them were grabbed by the gingers.

"Wendy! NOOO!"

Stan tried to run back for her, but Cartman yanked him back. Stan broke free of his grasp and ran back to fight the gingers, and actually did fairly well. He had saved Wendy, but Red, Heidi, and Annie had already been dragged off. Stan grabbed Wendy's arm and the two caught up to Cartman as the gingers followed in hot pursuit.

"Ah shit, were not going to make it!"

Just when it looked as if the gingers finally caught up to them, a golf cart sped out of nowhere and mowed over all the gingers. Stan, Cartman, and Wendy looked up and saw that the golf cart was driven by Kenny. The three of them hurriedly boarded the golf cart and Kenny drove it out of there.

"Butters! Kenny! Bebe! Boy am I glad to see you!"

"Where's Kyle?" Butters asked.

"He's not with you!?"

("It's OK! He and Ike are with Chris!")

"You guys, it's gotten really, really worse!" Cartman added.

"What now!?"

"The gingers were attacking us! That can only mean one thing!"

"Your half-brother is back!" Bebe replied.

"No it means there's a sale on Cheesy Poofs at Wal-Mart, no shit it means my half-brother's back!"

"Oh hamburgers with extra mustard!"

Kyle and Ike suddenly ran out into the road a few feet ahead, causing Kenny to slam on the brakes. The group got out of the golf cart and joined up with them.

"Oh boy am I glad to see all of you!"

"Where's Chris!?" Stan asked Kyle. "And what about Dylan!?"

"I was heading with Chris to his car, and we somehow got separated. The last I saw of Dylan was when he headed into the battlefield by himself!"

("Well c'mon we-.")

Before Kenny could finish his sentence, the golf cart was violently cast aside by a dark figure.

"AAAHHH!"

"What the hell is that thing!?"

The figure stepped out of the shadows and into the moonlight. It was the black robot, complete with the Darth Vader-like armor and a helmet shaped like a chef's hat. The robot drew out his glowing red spatula weapon and stepped towards the kids slowly and menacingly.

" **Hello…children"**

* * *

 **A/N: And Rad Fanon South Park episode 3 is finished! Yahoo! And only one more part left of the 4 part series premiere!**

 **Will Davenport succeed in his plans? Will Chef come back? Will Stan choose Wendy or Bebe? Will Cartman confess his feelings for Wendy?**

 **And above all…who is Eric Cartman's real mother?**

 **Stay tuned to find out all the answers as the thrilling conclusion to this four part story shall come soon!**

 **Any reviews and feedback are greatly appreciated!**


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